Wise Bachelor

Q. WB, I am a 14-year-old boy. The other day, I was playing hide and seek with my friends when I hid myself in a dark closet. There, I saw naphthalene balls lying, and their smell gave me an instant hard-on. Am I growing up normally? An almost normal teenager, Guwahati

Ans: My dear boy, I don’t know the hard physiological reasons for getting an instant hard-on from naphthalene smell. However, I do have some hard psychological guesses to analyse the hardness of your problem. Maybe you imagined the naphthalene balls to be over-grown breasts of a cockroach and instantly erotic thoughts came to your mind. After watching Disney-Pixar’s Ants series of films, I am more than convinced that the insect kingdom can also have Pamela Andersons and Carmen Electras. Or maybe you mistook the naphthalene scent to be that of some strong variety of Axe deo-spray, and instantly those titillating commercials came to your mind. Or maybe you were struck by the idea (with your recollections about the last Hindi porn film you watched at your friend’s place) that when Indians make out in movies, they do that in a dark environment, with their eyes closed. So you don’t really have to see what you are doing when you are doing it. For that, you need to have a strong sense of smell.

If you think, my boy, that your dilemma has anything to do with the reasons I analysed, then I think you have a strong career in advertising. At least, with such vivid imagination, you will come up with better ad ideas. You should give it a hard thought!

Q. WB, my husband threatens to commit suicide every time I get angry over him. I don’t know why he does that. What should I do? A pativrata naari, N Lakhimpur

Ans: See, there is no reason for you to be so happy about it. He will not commit suicide, and you can’t really get rid of him so easily. If he were serious, he would do it, without even telling you. Probably he wants you to pay extra attention to him. Husbands are not born, but made, most often by overwhelming circumstances. Some are a result of an awkward commitment given at a weak moment; some result from wry faces made by aggressive mothers (like yours truly). Try to talk to him in a loving manner whenever he throws tantrums. Also, try to control your temper. After all, he is your husband, not kid.

Q. WB, a bouncer at a disco barred me entry as I was dressed in dhoti-kurta. Why such discrimination? A humiliated Bharatiya purush, Guwahati

Ans: You have actually misunderstood the bouncer, who, I think, is a gentleman. He only showed respect to our almost non-existent national dress. You would have ended up being laughed at for your dress as people out there are too immature to understand its value. Mr. Bouncer also saved your dignity. There was every chance of your dhoti giving way inside the disc, making you a social embarrassment for everyone. And there would have been no Kishan-kanhaiyya to provide you the extra cloth to this male avatar of Draupadi. You should thank Mr. Bouncer for all that he did to you.

You ask, he will answer. Send in your questions to wise.bachelor@friedeye.com and wait for interesting answers. WB is on a mission to make this world a better place.

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