Wise Bachelor

January 1, 2010 Off By Wise Bachelor

In the dark recesses of a Delhi office, Fried Eye spotted a young man quoting a cheap Hindi writer and imparting gyan to all and sundry around him. The accessible man that he is, we came to know from Wise Bachelor his story. He first made an impression when he dirtied the hospital nurse’s dress and spared his mother from the smelly truth that she has a son who shall rub all on their wrong sides with his uncanny wit. As he grew up, he took a keen interest in life and everything around him; third-grade movies, K-serials and Indian politics became his favourite subjects. As a veteran of five failed romantic relationships, Fried Eye decided to offer him the role of an Agony Uncle; WB took the offer as he was more than willing to give many people a square deal.

Q. WB, there is a girl I like, but she ignores me like anything. Initially, I got all the positive vibes from her, but now she avoids even the slightest eye contact with me. This is not the only time that it has happened. Several other girls I liked have ever since married different people. What should I do now? A confused bachelor, Jorhat.

A: Bhai, apna Adolf Hitler also loved a Jewish girl in his youth. But she didn’t give him any bhau. Hitler Sahib was so hurt that he started hating the Jews. Baaki to history hain. You could follow Hitler and forever stamp your name with ignominy. Or you could think about doing something saner. That angrez Kalidas, John Keats, had a broken love affair, too. He, however, chose to translate his grief into verse. La Belle Dame Sans Merci resulted from it, and Keats’ name came to be engraved with golden letters in the annals of literature. It is now up to you to decide which way you want to go. As for those girls marrying other people, well, they were also looking for good guys, the same way you were looking for good girls. Let them go, brother, and continue with your search.

Q. I am doing my master’s from a reputed university and have recently moved into a rented apartment. But I have a big problem: my landlord owns pigeons that fly into my part and make a mess of things. They have made my life hell. I have tried to take it up with my landlord, but every time his college-going daughter accuses me of being insensitive to the ‘beautiful’ birds. Help me, WB! Dude in distress, Guwahati.

A: I once had pigeon meat at a roadside dhaba in western Uttar Pradesh. Couple of hours later, I felt the urge to crap at every statue of Mayawati I passed by, like a pigeon. Now, coming to your question, I don’t understand why your landlord should keep such unruly creatures at his place. He should have known that you being a guy would anyhow leave his apartment messy; why send pigeons to do a job when he has a capable tenant? Tell him that it can be life threatening to have pigeons in the house. Mughal Emperor Babur’s father, Umar Sheikh Mirza, had fallen off the ramparts of his fort while trying to feed his pigeons. In Ruskin Bond’s A Flight of Pigeons, the male protagonist’s (Javed Khan) brother-in-law (Sarfaraz) blames the pigeons for the rebel army’s defeat in the Revolt of 1857. Pigeons had also created the biggest misunderstanding of my life so far. For a long time, I had believed that the red mark on Soviet premier Mikhail Gorbachev’s bald pate was left behind by a pigeon devoid of any toilet manners. But going by your question, it seems your landlord’s ‘activist’ daughter is a greater nuisance than the pigeons. After all, who wants to be neighbours with a bad imitation of Maneka Gandhi? Is she secretly corresponding with her lover through the pigeons a la Rajkumari Chandrakanta and Kunwar Virendra Vikram Singh? If it is so then perhaps you could play the role of Kroor Singh and have the birds for dinner one by one. If, however, you think you cannot try these two options, you could yourself become a pigeon and fly out of this apartment and find a new nest.

Q. WB, my eight year old son keeps on asking embarrassing questions whenever he sees intimate scenes on TV. No cajoling or scolding has helped. It becomes very embarrassing when there are guests around. Please help. An embarrassed parent, Tezpur.

Ans: Bhai, the Age of Innocence vanished a long time back, when songs like choli ke peeche kya hain kicked out a generation of Adams and Eves from the Garden of Eden, into a big bad world of Mamta Kulkarnis and Mira Nairs. In our times, a bunch of flowers with bumble-bees hovering over them, used to make things understood. Today, the media has ruined things so much that a simple nursery rhyme sounds obscene when they say “Jack and Jill went up the hill…”

The best way to tackle your child’s questions is to sing a song every time he/she opens his/her mouth in public. Or tell him/her about the birds and the bees early on. After all, your child is no TV channel playing matured content that you can shuffle when you have company.

You ask, he will answer. Send in your questions to wise.bachelor@friedeye.com and wait for interesting answers. WB is on a mission to make this world a better place.

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