Wise Bachelor

Q.WB, I’m so confused about relationships. Sometimes I want them, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I know I can have them, sometimes I feel I’ll never get anyone. Sometimes I try desperately, sometimes I just don’t care. Sometimes I know he’s the one. Sometimes I think “we can never be sure of the future; maybe he won’t be there around in it”. Why? And what should I do when these go around in my head? Kabhi pyaar chahu, kabhi akelapan, haye daiyya yeh kaisa deewanapan, Hyderabad

Ans: My dear, what a problem we have here! There was one confused lady in tinsel town whose name was Mamta Kulkarni. She was confused about her own identity, so she changed her first name from Padmavati to Mamta, but that did little to elevate her career. Next she was confused if she looked good in clothes or without them. So she appeared topless in a top cine magazine. This led to a court case and she had to pay a fine. During the case, she was once again confused about her appearance and came in a burqa to court, which angered the Islamic clergy, so much so that she received death threats from fundamentalists. But this too didn’t change her confused nature. Much later, she accused a top notch filmmaker of making an indecent proposal to her, after she was confused if he had actually tricked her by making her his lead lady yet giving the hit item number to Urmila. The move backfired and it sounded the death knell to her film career. Later, in a confused state, she left for US and married an NRI. That was the last we heard from her.

A decade later, another confused damsel made her appearance in tinsel town. This woman was christened Priyanka Kothari, but she changed her name to Nisha. That got her a few movies but all fell flat in the box office. So, she changed her name back to Priyanka and nothing was heard from her ever since.

Coming to your problem, I don’t think you need to worry much because confused people never get to know why they are in the world and what they want to do in life. Remember, one of the best lines ever written in literature is the one that reveals the confused state of mind of the speaker – to be, or not to be: that is the question. But the story where it figures is the tragic tale of a prince of Denmark named Hamlet. This question has been rephrased and asked several times and in several situations in India.

Long ago, the Congress party had asked ‘to Sonia, or not to Sonia: that is the question’. The party had answered Sitaram Kesari, which subsequently proved to be a bad answer. The same question was asked again a little later by three Congressmen – Sharad Pawar, P A Sangma and Tariq Anwar. They received the pink slip from the party as an answer. The third time the question was asked the Congress party answered ‘Manmohan Singh’. This time, they were right to a great extent.

In Bengal, they questioned ‘to Nano, or not to Nano: that is the question’. The answer came from Gujarat and Bengal was left to lick its own wounds and re-read the story of the jackal and sour grapes.

So, my dear, I hope you have understood this basic thing that confusion leads you nowhere but disaster. It is not a very complicated world that you should be so confused about relationships. Take life as it comes and don’t think too much. Let time figure out all the answers to your questions. But there is one line uttered by a fictional character which pretty much sums up what I want to tell you. This man was somewhat confused too. He said: “Where do I go? What do I do? Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” Long live Rhett Butler!

Q. Dear WB, I’m sick and tired of my job. I’m a techie, but I have never really enjoyed my past four jobs. Now, there is pressure on me to get married and because of that I can’t really think about quitting. What should I do? Naukar hoon zamane ka, Bengaluru

Ans: Pal, there are only two jobs that men enjoy: blowjob and handjob. Therefore, it’s not surprising that you are not enjoying this job: the code of which was never written in our genetic programme. But still, in order to live a decent life and to keep your future wife’s nags at bay, you have to do something. First, try to identify what’s going wrong. See if you are interested in some other line of work. Engineers get recruited on campus and most of the time the only motivation for work is the fat pay cheques offered or the hot front desk assistants, who hint at a promising future (sic). However, in the long run, what happens is you end up becoming a money-making machine and all your likings and pastimes disappear in the wilderness.
As for the marriage part, while I agree that it is important to have a steady job, it is not very difficult to look for a change if you marry a working girl who is also understanding. Try to let go off your vain male ego and let your wife take charge for a while until you find the job of your liking. I’m sure she will be a capable woman who would only respect you more if you rely on her. Good luck, friend!

Q. WB, I’m allergic to ladies perfume. How do I tell my girlfriend about this? Fuming over perfume, Guwahati

Ans: Man, you are missing something in life. Perfumes are at the very core of a woman’s essence. Marilyn Monroe used to go to bed wearing only Chanel No. 5 and nothing else. And who wouldn’t want to be with a woman who smells good? I think your girlfriend loves you a lot, and she wears perfume to save you from being knocked out by the smelly armpits every time she raises her arms to hug you. Try to understand her. But if you prefer her natural smell, than try telling this to her directly instead of wasting my time like this. Communication is the key, my friend. For relationships to survive, both partners need to communicate well. Try telling her directly that you are allergic to ladies perfume and that she should start wearing cologne and other masculine perfumes. I’m sure she would also open up and tell you to use mouthwash more often. I wish you all the fragrance of life in your relationship!

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