Wise Bachelor

Q. WB, my mother doesn’t let me wear minis and tank-tops. I sometimes feel embarrassed to go to parties and discos wearing jeans. I don’t like wearing the shalwar kameez, which my mother keeps on insisting that I should wear. Please help. Paidon mein bandhan hai payal ne machaya shor sab darwaaze almost bandh, Mumbai.

Ans: Ah, my dear, times have changed so rapidly! There was a time when a woman was considered to be “attractive” if she wore the shalwar kameez. It is perhaps the only dress that doesn’t show anything, only hints at what lies beneath. That is one factor that invites a curious bunch of prospective bridegrooms. Your mother is a wise woman, my dear. She has her own concerns about you. If you reveal too much, there might not be too many takers.

But if you think you are comfortable in wearing minis, try to reason with your mother. I am sureaunty ji will understand. It might be a revelation for her to know that ab bitiya jawaan ho gayi (the child has blossomed into a woman). But now the question is how to convince your mother to let you choose your own wardrobe. You can try doing a cat-walk in minis in front of your mother and show her that you can carry it well. Or you can tell your mother to try them for once, in private. If she loves her child, she would obviously want you to wear such an air-conditioned, light dress. Even if she doesn’t wear it, she would give in to the pressure, for she wouldn’t want her daughter to face the rudest shock of her life. Try it, my friend.

Q. Dear WB, how are tampons any better than regular sanitary pads? Ek chotti si baat, Shillong

Ans: My dear, you must not forget some revolutionary sanitary napkin commercials on Indian TV. I would like you to remember a particular ad that used to come on TV a few years ago.
“Chotti Chotti minis, chotti chotti micro-chips…chotti si hain duniya…chotta karein kamaal karein…I wish meri kamar bhi, hoti chotti chotti si…Small is beautiful, Small is the Revolution”
This was the famous Tampons ad. I am sure you must have understood that ‘small’ is the new buzz-word.
I personally feel that ‘tampons’ sounds better than ‘sanitary napkins’. Any uninitiated person would confuse ‘napkins’ with ’tissue paper’. ‘Tampons’ makes a strong statement-“no tampering with it or with the person wearing it!”
I am sure Kimberley Clark had no idea that someone someday would “tamper” with her idea of sanitary napkins, by reducing its size. But she would be happy to know that in India, tampon ads were one of the longest commercials on TV!

Q. Dear WB, I’m a magazine editor with a weird problem. Whenever production time approaches, I feel like going for striptease shows, especially those that cut across homo and hetero sexual barriers. Is my eye too fried? Rainbow Warrior, New Delhi
Ans: My friend, I remember visiting the Delhi Gymkhana Club one night where I had seen a bunch of amorous uncle jis and aunty jis doing chiggy wiggy a la followers of Chaitanya Mahaprabhu. That was gross!

That night, I was led on by a friend to a striptease club. The experience was amazing! The Lebanese stripper wiped away the ghastly memory of one rather rotund auntyji who almost had me with her eyes. The show was like a cool breeze that calmed my nerve. So, my friend, it is perfectly all right if such shows make you feel good.

Remember, Lord Krishna used to play truant all the time and was often found watching young women bathe in the river. That way, he had transformed his school into a masti ki paathshaala. So, the zaalim duniya cannot be judgemental about you because you have lordly tastes. Fikr not, my friend. Do let me know when you plan to go for a striptease show again. I might accompany you.

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