The other day in one of our brainstorming session of Fried Eye, while discussing about monsoons, Noyon Jyoti Parasar, our filmy guy, I mean the person in charge of our Movie Desk suddenly started lamenting about the Dirty Trousers Syndrome that is so very common during monsoons. Now ain’t that an irritating affair- the business of protecting your trousers from the muck, mud and slush while going about your business? How convenient it would have been if only one could avoid the roads, ground zero and just land in your destination directly? So we in Fried Eye formulated this means of avoiding the much taken muddy route and how with a little bit of determination, luck and imagination one can avoid getting your trousers from getting dirty without going to the hazardous extent of hiring a chopper. So here we go with our own fried means , I mean never tried means, but as they say, there is always a first time for everything.
1/ We will start with the most common and the easiest solution possible . Go Nude! Yes, you heard right. If you are not that comfortable with going in the buff, then you can always try body paint. As they say- prevention is better than cure. It is better to pack of your trouser and just avoid it altogether.
2/If that solution was a bit too daring, then another solution is to just change your dressing style and go for lungis , skirts etc.
3/Wear those large size polythene packets over your trousers and move about or better still, why don’t you laminate your pants ?
4/ Not impressed? Okay, then how about couriering yourself to the destination if it is just one time journey to a mucky place?
5/ Not feasible? Then hire two men and start moving about in a palki/ doli. If that is extravagant for you, then hire at least one to carry you on his back to places.
6/That brings to my mind a better idea. How about befriending Spiderman/ Superman or even a vampire who takes the responsibility of helping you move about?
7/ Speaking of Spiderman, why don’t you just find some spiders and try to get bitten by them. You might acquire some super powers who knows? If not spiders then a vampire will do too with of course some permanent alterations
8/ You can join Hogwarts School of sorcery and use to your advantages stuff like the Nimbus 2000 broom, Buckbeak, port key or even the floo network.
9/ Why Hogwarts? If magic is your stuff, then simply ask Bhootnath for advise and predictions and just do the opposite of what he says.
10/ Alright if those were too fancy for you then here’s just the right thing for you, for at least one time safe passage to your bus stop or vehicle. But for that you have to make some mathematical calculations. Confused? You will understand once I explain the procedure.
step one- go to your boss’s room
step two- go near the open window farthest to your boss but one which is in the direction of your destination
step three- say or do something to piss him real bad and face your butt towards him
step four- Boss comes roaring fiercely from his seat and gives you a strong hard kick on your butt.
And voila ! Off you go flying out of the window towards your destination.
Just take care of the angles and height before hand and, of course, piss him off real, real, real, bad.
11/Still haven’t found your thing? Okay here’s another one. Join a circus and learn the art of walking on tall stilts, tightrope walking or walking on your hands (This is about protecting your trousers not the sleeves).
12/ You want something “real” and that is very common in our country. What more can be common than crime, here in India? So here’s a common advise-
Smuggle an elephant or a camel (as it will not be feasible to buy one, smuggling will be easier) and then travel in style.
13/If you had corruption in your mind instead of crime, then go for a one month apprenticeship to a Neta or leader and learn the art of keeping your trousers clean because no matter how much they play dirty, their pants are always spotlessly clean. I am sure that will certainly help and if that can’t then nothing will !