Wise Bachelor

August 1, 2010 Off By Wise Bachelor

Q. Dear WB, I’m distressed by certain reports that RSS is planning to introduce a soft drink made of cow urine. I want to do something to stop it. Please advise. Soft Corner Boy, New Delhi

Ans: Holy cow! Who on earth told you that this drink is going to be bad? Do not sound so pissed. I would suggest they name it ‘Cowke’, for then it would become a serious competitor to Coke—a foreign brand that’s raking in all the moolah and siphoning it off to the West. I’m sure this drink will be India’s answer to the Cokes and Pepsis. And do not question the wisdom behind this idea: Morarji Desai drank his own cola and lived for 100 years! In fact, I believe the RSS and the BJP should start marketing newer brands of ‘piss’ colas: Sushma Cola, Jaitley Cola, Modi Cola, Advani Cola and so on. Kindly do not try to put a spoke in the wheel of this new health initiative of the saffron brigade.

Q. My girlfriend often threatens to walk out of the relationship if I don’t give in to her whims. I get very upset when she does. What should I do? Tortured In Love, Bangalore

Ans: Someday, when you are married, she would demand you throw out your parents or else she would walk out: what would you do then? The next time she throws a tantrum, tell her how much she resembles the nefarious women characters of saas-bahu soaps. Or tell her how you wish you could give her a wizard’s touch and change her into a more likeable person. To cut it short, find a way to control this pest if you want to be happy.

Q. My mother-in-law is a real pest. Whenever she visits us, she stays back for 3-4 months. I tell you, WB, she drives me mad! How do I get rid of her? Damned Damaad, Gwalior

Ans: The best way to get rid of her would be to do things she despises the most: throw your dirty socks on her bed or on the sofa, smoke in her presence, or watch violent action movies. If that doesn’t work, try to compliment her on her looks and how even in this age she is sexier than her daughter. Just make sure your wife hears it, too. She will herself ask her mother to leave. Try it!

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