We used to build civilisations . Now we build shopping malls.

By Siddhesh Kabe. The humorist from www.sidoscope.in The Science of Stupidity

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‘Alpha team, fall in,’ barked the commander. All the three people surrounded her, head lowered, whispering so that only they can hear her instructions.

‘Time check, are all the watches synchronized?’ she raised her wrist to show exact 1800 hours. They all nodded their approval.

‘Mission brief, do all of you have the assets list?’ she questioned, they all nodded showing the paper list.

‘We have sixty minutes to collect the assets and fall in at the rendezvous point at exact 1900 hours. Am I clear?’

‘Yes,’ he said in a bored tone.

‘Am I clear, Cadet?’ she barked.

‘Yes, Captain,’ he barked.

‘Ok, boys, this is it, this is no drill, lets shop!!!’

 

And the complete family, mom, dad and two sons dispersed themselves into the end-of-season-sale at the mall.

 

Every generation has a big list of things they can proudly show off to the next one. The ancient Egyptians had Pyramids, the Babylonians built the hanging garden for people to hang out. People from far and wide come to visit the Taj Mahal, praising its divine beauty, not knowing that it was build after the wife died, thus partly in guilt. Obviously the human evolution is a constant race against boredom, men have for generations tried to overcome boredom in as many ways possible.

 

In olden days, they got bored; they build civilizations, big massive civilizations. Rome wasn’t built in a day, an indication that they were super bored. Then came the great barbarian evolution and they started raiding cities. Don’t forget Attila the Hun who constantly attacked cities whenever he got free time. Alexander was super bored and he decided to conquer the entire world, but while these men were attacking cities and building civilizations, the women were thrown into an abyss of impending boredom.

 

What would Mrs. Atila do when her husband was busy attacking Rome? Or what would the wives of the architect do, when they were busy building columns for Athena? Of-course when their husbands would be home, they had a good pass time cribbing about the things their husband should change. Like the famous sentence by Mrs. Atila, ‘Oh yeah, so you invaded Rome, didn’t you get a barber out there to cut those disgusting hair locks you have?’

 

So the women decided they needed something that can go on and on and on, they initially tried with the SaaS-bahu soaps but you know after a while even Ba had to die, they needed something that could defeat death, they needed something they could do in groups as well as alone…. and they invented Shopping!!!

 

Do the maths, the odds of going to the store for a chewing gum and coming out with only a chewing gum are three billion to one. (the figure is inversely proportional to the discount given at the mall)

 

Said my friend one day, “I burned up my salary man,” he sobbed, “We went to the mall yesterday to buy a sofa set for the house.”

 

I looked around his house; the sofa was old one or I was having a deja vu.

“We looked all around. See we purchased the cooler in the room, we got that new water purifier and we got new cushions.”

 

“Oh I see,” I smiled, not sure if I should congratulate him or console him, “… And the sofa?”

 

“No man, she did not like the sofa they had, so we had to pass.”

I should definitely console him.

 

If you love your wife, set her free in the mall, if she comes back, sadly set your credit cards on fire, if she doesn’t, gladly build the Taj Mahal in her loving memory!!!

 

There is a big conspiracy in the nomenclature of the items purchased,

 

When my wife and I went to get a dress for her in Diwali, she politely asked the shop

keeper,

 

“Do you have Anarkali?”

 

For a moment, I was confused, then I was proud, not only does she know the mall, she also knows the name of a certain sales girl, maybe a friend.

 

The man gave his pan colored toothed smile and quietly removed three dresses from top shelf. It took me a few moments to realize the dress was called Anarkali.

 

Oh but the torment did not end there, not only did she not like the Anarkali, she decided to roam for another few hours in search of the Anarkali. I am sure even Salim did not hunt for his Anarkali with so much patience and desperation.

 

After roaming around seven malls in three localities my wife politely said, “I think I like the first one better. Lets go back there.”

 

Suddenly the reason why Akbar must have buried Anarkali alive dawned on me, Mrs. Akbar

must have taken him for shopping Anarkali.

 

The mall is a largest experiment in human tolerance.

 

If you believe that giving SSC exam was competitive enough, try reaching the new checkout counter in the mall. There must be some elite martial arts to enable people reach the line quickly before others, I don’t know it yet.

 

Shopping mall comes with its own set of myth, like did you hear about the shopper who lost his credit card? He did not report about it because the thief was spending less than his wife.

 

Or it also brings some superstitions, like the other line always moves faster than you or there is always a better product in some other rack than the one you see.

 

There will be a time in near future where men will be forced to carry sharp pointy weapons to hurt their girlfriends/wife if they shop for more than an hour without buying anything. This is the true reason why most of the malls frisk males before entering.

 

The evolution of human mind has progressed from shopping centers to shopping malls with each passing year more and more shopping malls are bringing more and more lucrative offers. So what, there is mad rush for 70% discount on an item-you-won’t-need-in-real-world, it is saving you 70% that is what counts.

 

Some malls have also grown wiser; they have placed a silent bench for tired husbands and boyfriends to find peace in the otherwise chaotic situation around there. Some malls provide free wi-fi at the spot in memory of the men who have been dragged through floors after floors to look at things they won’t know, won’t use and won’t understand.

 

Human mind has always build things that God could never dreamy off and the shopping mall standing on the center of your city is just another example of the triumph of human mind over the age-old battle against boredom.

 

Generations will pass and people will try to beat the universe in producing more and more stupidity every passing day, but the mall will stand tall, underlining the man’s dominance over boredom with free wi-fi, 70% discounts and floor after floor of stuff that you won’t need. The mall is here to stay, forever or at least until the end of season sale, whichever is sooner.

 

True Story.

 

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