OE . From the diary of Dr. KB

by Kanchan Bhattacharya

 

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I examine the bald fat potbellied guy on the table…

You know, when I examine the guy

On the table looking at acute aggravated hypochondria

And mala fides

Of an imaginary disease that hides

Within his insides

I believe

I am naive,

And he, the perfect liar

I cautiously say,

You are in trouble

Hard of hearing,

He says it is yellow and thin

He hides his desires and

Spouts his feelings’

I ask him to go on

Tell me of your prostrate glands

He talks of his prosaic girlfriends

Forbidden loves

And I pry beneath the lies

He is supine

I examine

The tender jenny

That he sees in his mind

 

I note

On Examination

BP120/80,

R-18/min

Temp N

Heart tickling like a grandfather clock

 

Succinct recounting of facts

Liver not palpable,

No signs of disorientation

He is all attention

To the picture on the wall

A naked woman, rather tall

And he answers

Her eyes are like stools…

He drools

 

Told you dear, this would take a little time

And I may get a call from the other clinic

 

I observe- “an old hypochondriac”

No I know, to you

It does sound familiar

This man is bald

What do you tell him?

Does he have x-ray eyes?

Has he swallowed a dye?

A barium meal too

I expect

The fluoroscope would produce

A map of Australia

No?

 

OE

I close the door and declare

You are pregnant

And your hypochondriac cerebellum

Is spasmodic synaptic

Gargantuan infarcted

In other words

You are dead

And that would be

Rs. 750

Please pay as you leave

Do come back tomorrow

I have to check up on the endoscope

Your semicolons…

 

The patient leaves

For two minutes I relax

He peeps

Doctor, don’t I need medicines?

I reply olive oil,

With milk of magnesia

And a little soda and douches of hot water

He asks,

Can I have whiskey?

I said yes, that is what the soda is for

You would like the bubbles

And that would be the end of troubles…

Take it slow

Let it in slowly

Omit the soap!

 

I forget- 250 more

Nurse, next!

Notes

1.                  OE= On Examination (Clinical Examination)

2.                  “You are in trouble”= > heard as “Urine Trouble”

3.                  Jenny=> slang for an anatomical body part desired by lechers, arghhh!

4.                  The patient has been advised to take a soda and whiskey

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