How not to be a facebook mo(m)sterSeptember 1, 2014
This piece is for Noyon – he asked me to write about love. But asking a woman who is experiencing quarter-life crisis to write anything on those lines is a little more than a serious crime. With the way pesticide sales are rising and the US is exporting genetically modified corn, I am already wondering if I will soon begin displaying menopausal symptoms.
Considering the natural process of procreation seems to be a bleak prospect for me in the foreseeable future, I am seriously thinking of adoption as a means to extend my ‘family-name’. Even though I am South Indian and don’t technically have a family name, I’ve watched way too many Bollywood films to not want to keep the khandaan going on.
With the ever-growing fierce competition and bitchery in the dating market and my non-belief in the arranged mockery system, finding a man to procreate with seems like an utopian dream. Hence, I shall adopt. Maybe I’ll be famous like Jolie and Madge. I even share my birthday with the latter.
But seeing the girls I grew up with turning facebook monsters with the advent of the mommy syndrome, makes me really worry. I’ve already given myself some rules. So here goes…
10 things facebook moms should never do
1.) Never put up six million pictures of every waking hour of the baby. And when I say never…
2.) DO NOT make the baby’s first cut fingernail your profile picture
3.) We don’t want to know about your baby’s bowel movements
4.) Your baby is definitely intelligent for being able to carry out a perfectly normal conversation with the Shrek DVD. Don’t post the video.
5.) Also in the video category, DO NOT post extremely long videos of your baby sleeping.
6.) Status updates detailing your baby’s puking and crayon swallowing habits are not of interest to anyone except yourself.
7.) If there are two or more categories that speak about your baby other than the Children category on your Info page, you should know you that you are a facebook mo(m)ster.
8.) Just like you wouldn’t want your mom to post a nude photo of you, your baby will very much appreciate it if you didn’t.
9.) If you are a facebooker, the community would very much appreciate YOUR name and photo on your profile. If you cannot resist, create a fan-page for your baby.
10.) Nobody else really believes Cerelac vegetable is yummy. Stop writing notes about how Cerelac vegetable can be made yummier by adding milk that has 4.5% fat. Even if you do – DO NOT TAG ME. I have enough fat to fight.
We welcome your comments at firstname.lastname@example.org