In the Harry Potter series, the horcruxes were described as a result of your soul splitting from the whole, when you murdered a person…well I guess that was it, isn’t it? In a way it is true- something in you dies when you kill someone, except that in horcruxes the dead was the key to being alive. But of course Harry and his enchanted world is not my topic of discussion today. I was just wondering about pre marital sex and that lead to me thinking about Virginity and its impact and this is what I felt after much thought- that a part of you changes when you lose your virginity. I won’t say that a part of you die, but an intense change occurs in the way you feel, that it never is the same afterwards. (No pun intended)
It is no more a big deal nowadays nor should it be, simply because it is not something that needs to be made a big deal. It happens- by a consensus, or a spontaneous sporadic passionate reaction, or just out of an intense emotional connect. I am not being judgmental in what I am attempting to say nor am I promoting it.
Science does hint of the adverse effects of a pre marital, unprotected sex- the numerous psychological upheavals, the reproductive and sexual implications and many bio techno jargon, but I will refrain from commenting on that, however I will slightly touch on the psycho social implications, not because I am an expert, but rather because I am an expert observer and maybe a self styled free lancing psycho analyst with plenty of free time to dig and delve on such issues.
What happens next after it happens? – Guilt? Fear? Exhilaration? Freedom? Disgust? Indifference? Regret?
Any of the above can happen. It all depends on what you have been trained to feel or what has been fed on your subconscious? On your young impressionable mind? And finally what mental state you are in?
Guilt? Yes usually guilt if you have been brought up with a completely traditional, religious upbringing where sex is sacred and something to be cherished and treasured, and that which is exclusive in the spiritual sense. It does not matter if you are a male or female, but if you have been brought up thinking of it as being exclusive and special meant only for soul mates, you will be bound to feel a slight disgust or maybe shame, which will again lead to a fear of violation of an age old code of conduct. Here of course, the frequency of the guilt trip is more from the female but no surprises if a man too feels the same.
Regret– Regret is when you feel that this was not quite the way you wanted it. You are a diehard romantic, believing in the essence of fresh stirrings of passion. You wanted that moment to be special, memorable, beautiful and divine. The touch, the kiss, the passion, sensuousness. You had dreams, fantasies but what you shared was a fumble and roll and … it was done. Somehow spoiled your vision of a dream moment…and the sad thing is it will never be the same. You may make love often hereafter, but the beauty of the first moment? It can never be recreated, right? A dream lies shattered. A regret…perhaps forever.
Exhilaration is self explanatory. You live in the moment and keep reliving it. No worries, no uncertainties. no expectations probably. You are confident and are strong enough to take on life as it comes- with the flowers and the thorns. But at the moment you are happy. You got what you wanted or dreamed of, be it love, relationship, or just someone or some moments where you could be what you are and you are happy. Period.
Freedom is another extension of the sense of exhilaration, but differs slightly in that, in this case there might not be a relative subject of love, soul mate, moments etc etc. It is as simple as going for it because it is your life and you are free to do what you feel like with it. You feel a sense of power, of being a non conformist, a bold person who just happens to do just for the sake of doing- be it fast cars, dope or sex even. A free bird.
Indifference– Now this is puzzling. And something I feel that should be taken up by a real expert. What makes you so indifferent? Why? What made you so mechanical and dispassionate that you had a session with out any feeling? Your body responded but why were or are you so dead now? What messed you up sweetie ? Anger? Love? Regret? Anything that releases your inner feelings is usually the norm, but you just remained detached. If this is what you felt, then I will really advise you to think hard, or for that matter talk with someone- pour out your heart, because my instincts say, something is quite not right.
Sex is a release, (I am not alluding to the biological release) a kind of psychosomatic release. For a flash of ecstatic moment you are beyond your physical sense- you reach a crescendo that has no explanation. It is shocking, it is incomprehensible, it is inexplicable and then it is over. But that brief moment when you experience it for the first time, alters you forever, however imperceptibly it might be.
You may say that ‘I didn’t quite get the first time”…but yes it altered you. A part of you changed, for the better or worse, only you can say that or only time will tell, but yes, a part of you changed…forever.
So think about it…or maybe you just let it be.
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