Lara’s Old Man

(from Fried Eye's archive)

(from Fried Eye’s archive)

The row-house next door

Is occupied by a ghost who snores

And there are flower pots

Loaded with swaying forget-me-nots

No-one has seen the house owner

May be the Ghost is a freak, a lonely, lonesome loner

A scrawny maid who goes in to clean

Uses methods to tackle the ghost unseen

And then she emerges mopping her brow

In hurried steps, no expressions to show…

 

We guess the ghost is a tomb-raider

And the maid is Lara Croft-Schneider

But no story here seems to be in sight

As the cobwebs vanish at midnight

The mail box of this house is emptied

By Miss Schneider when in need

But the occupant of 13, Potsbury Lane

Must be a ghost, to us, it is plain!

No one answers the door bell

The welcome note if any is a lusty “Go to Hell!”

The ill-fated burglar who tried the trick of his trade

Was met by members of the society of cops and Inspector Blade

Nearly dead of shock, and wet-pants at the Ghost’s merry tricks

But none went into the house of the Ghost who squeaks

In the morning came the Tom-Raider’s Maid

Snapping at the photographers she said

 

F**K off, you indecent nosey A**Holes

Else I would burn you right now , right down to your soles

And then she bared her molars and canines

The scribes took to heels, seeing the teeth vulpine

At my admiring glance she smiled

She leaned upon the door and went in through

You see my reader, 13 is my house too

And Lara is my companion and mate

We are the last of the 11th Century Vampires

And my house, No 12, is an illusion, with Transylvanian spires

 

Built upon the coffin where I sleep during the day

As Lara works houses far, far away

Sipping babies’ blood in nursery the fools

Naive parents think she is rather cool…

Come on- join me for a cup of joy will you?

It is nice inside my coffin, and Lara will kiss you too!

For I too become Lara, transformed with the maid’s cap

Don’t hassle me darling, you would get the Vampire slap!

 

With love to none and malice to All

Lara and I invite you to the Vampire’s Ball!

We welcome your comments at letters@friedeye.com

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