Lara’s Old Man
May 15, 2013
(from Fried Eye’s archive)
The row-house next door
Is occupied by a ghost who snores
And there are flower pots
Loaded with swaying forget-me-nots
No-one has seen the house owner
May be the Ghost is a freak, a lonely, lonesome loner
A scrawny maid who goes in to clean
Uses methods to tackle the ghost unseen
And then she emerges mopping her brow
In hurried steps, no expressions to show…
We guess the ghost is a tomb-raider
And the maid is Lara Croft-Schneider
But no story here seems to be in sight
As the cobwebs vanish at midnight
The mail box of this house is emptied
By Miss Schneider when in need
But the occupant of 13, Potsbury Lane
Must be a ghost, to us, it is plain!
No one answers the door bell
The welcome note if any is a lusty “Go to Hell!”
The ill-fated burglar who tried the trick of his trade
Was met by members of the society of cops and Inspector Blade
Nearly dead of shock, and wet-pants at the Ghost’s merry tricks
But none went into the house of the Ghost who squeaks
In the morning came the Tom-Raider’s Maid
Snapping at the photographers she said
F**K off, you indecent nosey A**Holes
Else I would burn you right now , right down to your soles
And then she bared her molars and canines
The scribes took to heels, seeing the teeth vulpine
At my admiring glance she smiled
She leaned upon the door and went in through
You see my reader, 13 is my house too
And Lara is my companion and mate
We are the last of the 11th Century Vampires
And my house, No 12, is an illusion, with Transylvanian spires
Built upon the coffin where I sleep during the day
As Lara works houses far, far away
Sipping babies’ blood in nursery the fools
Naive parents think she is rather cool…
Come on- join me for a cup of joy will you?
It is nice inside my coffin, and Lara will kiss you too!
For I too become Lara, transformed with the maid’s cap
Don’t hassle me darling, you would get the Vampire slap!
With love to none and malice to All
Lara and I invite you to the Vampire’s Ball!
We welcome your comments at letters@friedeye.com
