The ‘real’ Vampire Diaries

July 1, 2013 Off By Manjil P. Saikia

 Dear Diary,

 I am a vampire, but of course, this is not known to anyone yet. Although, I suspect the cute girl I met at the bar today might have guessed it. I am now 141 years old and will be celebrating my 142nd birthday in three weeks. You might be surprised to find a vampire talking to you. Is this your first time? Well, it certainly is my first time writing a diary. I could not let my feelings go away unshared. Recently I was watching the American television series ‘The Vampire Diaries’, and I was aghast at how they portray us. Young girls all over the world are gullible enough to believe that vampires are the perfect boyfriend, which of course is a total myth. To this, they have only Stephanie Meyer to blame for it. Come on girls, do you seriously think that someone this old would be patient enough to hear and accept all of your bantering and drama? The answer is an emphatic no!

 Most of the things that they have portrayed in the recent (very useless) vampire movies are all hocus-pocus; almost nothing of it is true. Well, I do not claim that I am ugly, but seriously do you think vampires could be that handsome? I am sure most of the girls and some of the boys think how wonderful life would be if only they were a vampire. How wrong they are! We are nocturnal creatures and I am yet to find another vampire who would share their feelings with me. It gets very lonely most of the times for us vampires. We can go out in the sun, but we do not like to go out, as we have become so accustomed to the dark, that our eyes hurt in the sun. This is in no way a trait of all the vampires, I have seen vampires long back walk freely in the sun without any glow in their skin or a ring to protect them from the sunlight, as claimed by some half-baked stories about them.

 After I saw the series ‘The Vampire Diaries’, I had this urge to do two things, one was to write these feelings in a diary for which you came to my rescue and the other one was to look up all the vampire movies and TV series that I could find. A simple Google search (yes, we vampires can also Google) led me to the twilight series. To say that I was highly disappointed would be the understatement of the century. What do these people think of themselves? This Edward Cullen and Bella, what do they know about vampires? But then, they were just a figment of imagination of the author. We were portrayed in such a bad way that I was shocked beyond repair; I am not a blood sucking monster. Yes, my staple diet is blood, but I don’t suck it out from living human beings. I take it from animals and other sources which I would rather not discuss here. I do grow old and I will die eventually. This living till eternity so that you can love each other for all of time is such nonsense that I could not help laugh at all the stupid things that this girl Bella and her ‘vampire’ boyfriend and later to be husband do.

I know I am pouring down cold water over all those young girls’ dreams who think that their prince charming is a ‘vampire’ charming. I have bad news girls, we can be quite charming but our animal instincts will make you blow your heads apart if you decide to live with us. For one, do you imagine how gross we would smell after drinking animal blood which might sometime contain their excreta too? Think about it. There is this thing about us being quite fast and strong. Well to be honest we are stronger than human beings and faster than them too, but a cheetah would beat us easily. I have always wanted to drink a cheetah’s blood; somehow it has never yet happened for me.

And the thing about us being vulnerable to wood is entirely made up, in fact we are vulnerable to all the things that a normal human being would be, and that definitely includes guns and blades. The thing is that we decay very slowly because of the type of diet we take, and some vampires can live up to a thousand years. This used to be fun when I was a kid in ‘vampire’ years. The 1900s and the subsequent two decades were quite good for me, but then humanity took so wrong a turn that I am really exhausted and willing to grow old and die now. We vampires, although very sparse in population are well knit and quite helpful to each other, but I am really sorry to see the situation with these human beings. I don’t know what they are actually up to. In any case, this is not to rant about them, but to say a few truths about the whole vampire scenario.

I have to stop now. I have to go to a vampire friend of mine’s place. He has invited me for some rare dodo blood. I haven’t tasted it for so long and I am very hungry all of a sudden. By the way, my friend is quite famous in the human world, his name is Bear Grylls.

See you soon, diary.

-Drake Ula

[Disclaimer: The author does not know of any existing vampires, so this piece should be taken as fiction by both human beings (especially girls) and vampires alike.]

We welcome your comments at