I.WON’T.CRY! – Miscellany

I am very happy these days or so they say. Yes I laugh the loudest,
play pranks, indulge in leg pulling … infact I have been doing
anything and everything that is energetic, that is zinda dil ! It is
as if Retinitis Pigmentosa never happened . Only a few understand what is going on. I am
in denial: I am trying to assert my defiance through my actions. But
for how long can this last? Can any reality be shut out by merely
trying to put it out of one’s mind? How was it going to be …when…I…finally…

That day in my room, alone, I decided to confront my fears head on. I
shut my eyes and tried to feel my way around (not that I needed much
effort). The room was familiar and so it wasn’t tough to do so. I
encountered my first setback when I tried to co ordinate my fine
movements in an attempt to find things and identify them on my table.
(Then and there, I had to put a mental reminder to myself: I have to
be more organised from now on). I could hear something rolling down
the table to the ground, with a clang. I swore hard as I pricked my
finger on something sharp. I fumbled and groped in my artificial darkness. But finally defeated, I sat down. Was this my future? Cold fear replaced the anger and helplessness and tears almost
threatened to spill over, but I bit my lip hard.

ENOUGH! I. AM. NOT. GOING. TO. CRY.
My eyes were still shut. I groped for my i pod and plugged in.

The music was soothing, Each and every note, Distinct and clear. I
didn’t need to feel and fumble around for it. I didn’t need the light
of my vision to drown myself into its melody and soulful words.
Suddenly on an impulse, I reached for my deodorant. I couldn’t find
it, but found a jar of cream instead. I applied a little to my hands
and inhaled. It smelled good. I inhaled some more. My eyes were still
shut. I had vowed to keep them shut for an hour and I wasn’t giving up
I sat back relaxed in the comfort of my bean bag. From somewhere the aroma of sauted garlic wafted in bringing a faint smile on my lips.The music and the lingering
scent on my hand were working upon me. For a moment something
happened. I don’t know if this is it exactly but I believe I felt a
sudden surge of calmness. Yes, something peaceful, tranquil almost.
But it was so brief and so quickly over, I don’t know if I really felt
it or imagined I felt so…
Life will be hard when I lose my sight but life won’t be over. Yes…

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