The great thing about being single apart from the obvious benefit of not having to stare at only one girl is the freedom you get whenever you want to have that glass of fine red wine in a party. In each of my previous relationships, almost all my girls were absolute wine haters, and I couldn’t manage to get them to change their views even after making them listen to a cardiologist about the ‘so called’ benefits of red wine. Can you believe it? Of course, that was one of the reasons for my breakups. But, let’s not get into that here. After all, it’s considered bad manners to wash your dirty linen in public, isn’t it?

You must be wondering, how this guy who doesn’t answer questions anymore has suddenly appeared and without so much of an explanation starts giving us fundas about why wine hating girls won’t make a good girlfriend! Well you are right to think that I don’t know anything about either wine or its health benefits, but as Hogwarts very aptly mentions in its tagline “Never tickle the whiskers’ of a sleeping dragon.”, so you absolutely shouldn’t do that. Yes, I am the dragon here, and yes my whiskers’ were tickled in the last issue. My very good friend Miss Cellany decided to do that great act of courage on her part. She was very enthusiastic about how to plan your perfect date, and it was all so full of romance that she forgot to mention just one tiny detail in her piece. I am here today to fill that gap and save every one of you out there.

The sad truth of the matter is that “Boys should never ever plan, nay even think about a perfect date”. This whole concept of a perfect date is fictituous. Well in some rare cases, the dates do materialize into something close to perfection, but then that is entirely the handiwork of the guy rather than that of the girl. Think about what I have just said, take a moment and delve deep into your ‘perfect’ dates. Did the girl really do anything other than sit, and talk useless crap that you were not bothered about? She didn’t, right? So our Miss Cellany used so many technical terms like aura, music, ambience and what not. I was shit scared! I thought, My God what is this girl up to; such blasphemy in public forum? This had to stop. So, here I am to save you all.

First and foremost, the most dangerous thing for a boy is the idea of a perfect date that a girl has. It’s this idea that has made or broken many relationships that I have seen. The girl assumes that the guy will do something very special for her, and when he doesn’t than she is shattered beyond belief and thinks that the whole male population are just pigs.

Secondly, if you manage to make your date very close to perfect than the expectations on you are raised so high that however hard you try the girl will never ever be satisfied. In any case, girls are very hard to satisfy. They think something and then do something. I am pretty sure they keep on thinking what they want, and then end up getting something that they never wanted in the first place, and which ultimately makes her desire to want the thing she wanted at first much more acute. Whoa, that was a real tough one from me; even I didn’t get what I wanted to say.

Thirdly, boys are never appreciated for a ‘perfect’ date. It’s always the girls who are credited when they have a great time. It’s always the boy who opens her car door, who reaches out to pay the bill, and it’s always the boy who has to make the first move. My oh my, is this really fair?

Now, I can keep on adding points after points why you should never listen to what Miss Cellany says, but I think this much is enough to drive my point home. I am also sure that this post by me will ruin whatever chance I had to go on a date with a ‘perfect girl’. But for me, I always consider sharing my wisdom to others above my romantic needs because  this ain’t anything personal against Miss Cellany ,but rather a sincere attempt to bust the myth of a Perfect Date.

Q. Dear WB, my friend recently cheated me very badly. I’m so hurt that I want to kill him as a revenge. Is there any way I can get out of law without getting punished. – Dost Bana Dushman, Jorhat

Ans: I was avoiding answering questions for a long time as the questions were very boring, but your question made me jump with Joy. What a great start to a new year. Well, my friend Indian Penal Code does not provide any way to get out of it while doing such a crime. Even if you have a political and financial backup, the law will get you some day or the other. There is one way however where you may get out of it. Declare yourself a terrorist and surrender. You would be able to negotiate with the Govt. about what you want if you surrender. After that songs will be written in your praise how you fought with the Zaalim Govt. and defeated them.

Well, jokes apart I suggest you to go the Gandhi way of non-violence. Forgive him but do not forget. Believe me it is much more fun to see your enemy after that.

Q. Dear WB, my girlfriend is very sure that I have an affair with every girl I meet. I even tried making a few girls my sister, but I cannot go on making every girl my sister. What should I do? Ashiq Bana Jagat Bhaiyya, Shillong

Ans: I cannot stop laughing at this. Not that I don’t understand your problem, but at the innocence with which the question was asked. You must be feeling very proud that your girlfriend thinks you are the sexiest man alive in the earth. But, let me tell you my friend these are just tricks to keep you entertaining her all life. She knows that you are good for nothing but she does that to make you feel good.

You have a very good girlfriend. Of course, I don’t claim the authenticity of the statement.

Mail your queries: wise.bachelor@friedeye.com

Q. Dear WB, I’m distressed by certain reports that RSS is planning to introduce a soft drink made of cow urine. I want to do something to stop it. Please advise. Soft Corner Boy, New Delhi

Ans: Holy cow! Who on earth told you that this drink is going to be bad? Do not sound so pissed. I would suggest they name it ‘Cowke’, for then it would become a serious competitor to Coke—a foreign brand that’s raking in all the moolah and siphoning it off to the West. I’m sure this drink will be India’s answer to the Cokes and Pepsis. And do not question the wisdom behind this idea: Morarji Desai drank his own cola and lived for 100 years! In fact, I believe the RSS and the BJP should start marketing newer brands of ‘piss’ colas: Sushma Cola, Jaitley Cola, Modi Cola, Advani Cola and so on. Kindly do not try to put a spoke in the wheel of this new health initiative of the saffron brigade.

Q. My girlfriend often threatens to walk out of the relationship if I don’t give in to her whims. I get very upset when she does. What should I do? Tortured In Love, Bangalore

Ans: Someday, when you are married, she would demand you throw out your parents or else she would walk out: what would you do then? The next time she throws a tantrum, tell her how much she resembles the nefarious women characters of saas-bahu soaps. Or tell her how you wish you could give her a wizard’s touch and change her into a more likeable person. To cut it short, find a way to control this pest if you want to be happy.

Q. My mother-in-law is a real pest. Whenever she visits us, she stays back for 3-4 months. I tell you, WB, she drives me mad! How do I get rid of her? Damned Damaad, Gwalior

Ans: The best way to get rid of her would be to do things she despises the most: throw your dirty socks on her bed or on the sofa, smoke in her presence, or watch violent action movies. If that doesn’t work, try to compliment her on her looks and how even in this age she is sexier than her daughter. Just make sure your wife hears it, too. She will herself ask her mother to leave. Try it!

Send your questions to wise.bachelor@friedeye.com

Q. Dear WB, lizards scare me like anything. I am so very scared that at times I get a feeling that maybe they are attracted towards me and what not. They stare me right in the eye. I am a lover of nature otherwise and share a good chemistry with the cats and dogs of my area as well as the mice in my house. I have had encounters with snakes twice, and I’m also not afraid of tigers. The other day, I saved an injured crow from hounding stray dogs and provided him a makeshift accommodation at my place. I sincerely wish I could love the lizards too. I have been trying to accomplish the same for the past two years. I can write a whole book to vent out the frustration. What to do? Slithering Seer, New Delhi

Ans: (Chip) kaliyon ka chaman jab banta hai, koi sexy lagta hai, koi raunchy lagta hai, koi hero lagta hai, par har koi scary lagta hai – my dear, I can perfectly understand your problem. I knew one chipkali (lizard) who had made her famous appearance in a hot music video, and later did a few C-grade movies before hiding in some unknown world not known to tinsel town. She was Meghna Naidu, who showed some promise that she could dominate the underbelly of the Indian male psyche (that is ever influenced by the idea of voluptuous women), but her ever increasing waistline ensured that she crashed down on her belly. Phir woh kahin chip gayi.

Now, coming to your problem, I see a chipa huwa Brady Barr in you. The fact that they are legends in their field of work is not just because they love creatures but also because they have immense respect for the animals they play with. As for snakes, the ease with which Indian adventurer Gerry Martin wrangles them is truly mind-blowing. But he has often talked about his fear for the reptiles, too.

Pandit Jawaharlal Nehru, while serving his prison sentence during the National Movement, was in a cell that was infested by insects of all kinds. There was an ominous looking black scorpion, which Panditjee had captured. He would feed it flies and treat like a pet. He had also befriended a dog, which shared Panditjee’s room. But the dog was once down with distemper and Panditjee took great care of the hapless animal as if it were his own child. So, I see that trait in you too, for you saved both the life and izzat of an abala kawwa from some shikari kutte. God bless you!

So, my dear, I don’t see any reason why you should be so frustrated. After all, the lizard, they say, is a descendant of the dinosaur or “terrible lizard”. A lot of people would swear by Spielberg’s name to tell you how scary those dinos were. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
However, when I say this, I also see a need for a new lizard superhero on the lines of Spiderman. Toons really help, you see. I had developed an immense liking for crabs after seeing theKekdaman character in Shaktimaan. Let’s wait for tinsel town to do something with lizards. I’m sure your love for them would be more spontaneous then.

Q. WB, I haven’t been able to return a loan I had taken from a bank. Now the bank has sent goons after me. What should I do? Maara sona, mare heere, maari izzat, Jaipur

Ans: Blessed be souls like Kharak Singh (Om Puri) of Hera Pherifame, who threatens self-immolation if his friend Ghanshyam (Suniel Shetty) doesn’t return his money on time. God has stopped making such noble souls it seems. On any day, I would prefer being emotionally blackmailed into paying a debt, than being chased by goondas, followed by my mother mouthing “mere bête ko chod do”.
It is always good to return loans in time, as that saves both your dignity and money. However, if your bank is harassing you in such an uncivil manner, you better lodge a written complaint with the nearest police station. Or you can contact me personally and I will give you the number of a goony purush who will give you tips to scare the Bank Manager, who seems to be a wannabe Bhaihimself. Maybe it is time for some aapsi bhaichara.

Q. Dear WB, I’m 25-years-old, and most of my friends say that I’m as good looking as Kamdev, the Hindu God of love. I feel a little weird, for no man has ever seen a God. Who do you think would resemble the God of love the closest? Tan bhi sundar, man bhi sundar, Mumbai

Ans: Obviously your friends don’t know the truth. If Kamdev would descend from the heaven on this planet as an avatar, he would be none other than Narayan Dutt Tiwari. Tell those sycophants whom you call ‘friends’ to read the (s)exploits of Tiwari ji before calling you Kamdev. Even at this advanced age of 87 years, he can handle four women at a time. None but a God can perform such a feat. And what are you saying about good looks? Did you not see how he had said ‘main bahut sexy hoon’ (I’m very sexy) to the TV journalist, who had interviewed him a day after he had resigned as Andhra Governor? Please tell your friends that its blasphemy on their part to equate you with the God when you know Tiwari ji is the true sensuality incarnate.

Send your questions to wise.bachelor@friedeye.com

Q.WB, I’m so confused about relationships. Sometimes I want them, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I know I can have them, sometimes I feel I’ll never get anyone. Sometimes I try desperately, sometimes I just don’t care. Sometimes I know he’s the one. Sometimes I think “we can never be sure of the future; maybe he won’t be there around in it”. Why? And what should I do when these go around in my head? Kabhi pyaar chahu, kabhi akelapan, haye daiyya yeh kaisa deewanapan, Hyderabad

Ans: My dear, what a problem we have here! There was one confused lady in tinsel town whose name was Mamta Kulkarni. She was confused about her own identity, so she changed her first name from Padmavati to Mamta, but that did little to elevate her career. Next she was confused if she looked good in clothes or without them. So she appeared topless in a top cine magazine. This led to a court case and she had to pay a fine. During the case, she was once again confused about her appearance and came in a burqa to court, which angered the Islamic clergy, so much so that she received death threats from fundamentalists. But this too didn’t change her confused nature. Much later, she accused a top notch filmmaker of making an indecent proposal to her, after she was confused if he had actually tricked her by making her his lead lady yet giving the hit item number to Urmila. The move backfired and it sounded the death knell to her film career. Later, in a confused state, she left for US and married an NRI. That was the last we heard from her.

A decade later, another confused damsel made her appearance in tinsel town. This woman was christened Priyanka Kothari, but she changed her name to Nisha. That got her a few movies but all fell flat in the box office. So, she changed her name back to Priyanka and nothing was heard from her ever since.

Coming to your problem, I don’t think you need to worry much because confused people never get to know why they are in the world and what they want to do in life. Remember, one of the best lines ever written in literature is the one that reveals the confused state of mind of the speaker – to be, or not to be: that is the question. But the story where it figures is the tragic tale of a prince of Denmark named Hamlet. This question has been rephrased and asked several times and in several situations in India.

Long ago, the Congress party had asked ‘to Sonia, or not to Sonia: that is the question’. The party had answered Sitaram Kesari, which subsequently proved to be a bad answer. The same question was asked again a little later by three Congressmen – Sharad Pawar, P A Sangma and Tariq Anwar. They received the pink slip from the party as an answer. The third time the question was asked the Congress party answered ‘Manmohan Singh’. This time, they were right to a great extent.

In Bengal, they questioned ‘to Nano, or not to Nano: that is the question’. The answer came from Gujarat and Bengal was left to lick its own wounds and re-read the story of the jackal and sour grapes.

So, my dear, I hope you have understood this basic thing that confusion leads you nowhere but disaster. It is not a very complicated world that you should be so confused about relationships. Take life as it comes and don’t think too much. Let time figure out all the answers to your questions. But there is one line uttered by a fictional character which pretty much sums up what I want to tell you. This man was somewhat confused too. He said: “Where do I go? What do I do? Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” Long live Rhett Butler!

Q. Dear WB, I’m sick and tired of my job. I’m a techie, but I have never really enjoyed my past four jobs. Now, there is pressure on me to get married and because of that I can’t really think about quitting. What should I do? Naukar hoon zamane ka, Bengaluru

Ans: Pal, there are only two jobs that men enjoy: blowjob and handjob. Therefore, it’s not surprising that you are not enjoying this job: the code of which was never written in our genetic programme. But still, in order to live a decent life and to keep your future wife’s nags at bay, you have to do something. First, try to identify what’s going wrong. See if you are interested in some other line of work. Engineers get recruited on campus and most of the time the only motivation for work is the fat pay cheques offered or the hot front desk assistants, who hint at a promising future (sic). However, in the long run, what happens is you end up becoming a money-making machine and all your likings and pastimes disappear in the wilderness.
As for the marriage part, while I agree that it is important to have a steady job, it is not very difficult to look for a change if you marry a working girl who is also understanding. Try to let go off your vain male ego and let your wife take charge for a while until you find the job of your liking. I’m sure she will be a capable woman who would only respect you more if you rely on her. Good luck, friend!

Q. WB, I’m allergic to ladies perfume. How do I tell my girlfriend about this? Fuming over perfume, Guwahati

Ans: Man, you are missing something in life. Perfumes are at the very core of a woman’s essence. Marilyn Monroe used to go to bed wearing only Chanel No. 5 and nothing else. And who wouldn’t want to be with a woman who smells good? I think your girlfriend loves you a lot, and she wears perfume to save you from being knocked out by the smelly armpits every time she raises her arms to hug you. Try to understand her. But if you prefer her natural smell, than try telling this to her directly instead of wasting my time like this. Communication is the key, my friend. For relationships to survive, both partners need to communicate well. Try telling her directly that you are allergic to ladies perfume and that she should start wearing cologne and other masculine perfumes. I’m sure she would also open up and tell you to use mouthwash more often. I wish you all the fragrance of life in your relationship!

contact Wise Bachelor wise.bachelor@friedeye.com

Q. WB, my mother doesn’t let me wear minis and tank-tops. I sometimes feel embarrassed to go to parties and discos wearing jeans. I don’t like wearing the shalwar kameez, which my mother keeps on insisting that I should wear. Please help. Paidon mein bandhan hai payal ne machaya shor sab darwaaze almost bandh, Mumbai.

Ans: Ah, my dear, times have changed so rapidly! There was a time when a woman was considered to be “attractive” if she wore the shalwar kameez. It is perhaps the only dress that doesn’t show anything, only hints at what lies beneath. That is one factor that invites a curious bunch of prospective bridegrooms. Your mother is a wise woman, my dear. She has her own concerns about you. If you reveal too much, there might not be too many takers.

But if you think you are comfortable in wearing minis, try to reason with your mother. I am sureaunty ji will understand. It might be a revelation for her to know that ab bitiya jawaan ho gayi (the child has blossomed into a woman). But now the question is how to convince your mother to let you choose your own wardrobe. You can try doing a cat-walk in minis in front of your mother and show her that you can carry it well. Or you can tell your mother to try them for once, in private. If she loves her child, she would obviously want you to wear such an air-conditioned, light dress. Even if she doesn’t wear it, she would give in to the pressure, for she wouldn’t want her daughter to face the rudest shock of her life. Try it, my friend.

Q. Dear WB, how are tampons any better than regular sanitary pads? Ek chotti si baat, Shillong

Ans: My dear, you must not forget some revolutionary sanitary napkin commercials on Indian TV. I would like you to remember a particular ad that used to come on TV a few years ago.
“Chotti Chotti minis, chotti chotti micro-chips…chotti si hain duniya…chotta karein kamaal karein…I wish meri kamar bhi, hoti chotti chotti si…Small is beautiful, Small is the Revolution”
This was the famous Tampons ad. I am sure you must have understood that ‘small’ is the new buzz-word.
I personally feel that ‘tampons’ sounds better than ‘sanitary napkins’. Any uninitiated person would confuse ‘napkins’ with ’tissue paper’. ‘Tampons’ makes a strong statement-”no tampering with it or with the person wearing it!”
I am sure Kimberley Clark had no idea that someone someday would “tamper” with her idea of sanitary napkins, by reducing its size. But she would be happy to know that in India, tampon ads were one of the longest commercials on TV!

Q. Dear WB, I’m a magazine editor with a weird problem. Whenever production time approaches, I feel like going for striptease shows, especially those that cut across homo and hetero sexual barriers. Is my eye too fried? Rainbow Warrior, New Delhi
Ans: My friend, I remember visiting the Delhi Gymkhana Club one night where I had seen a bunch of amorous uncle jis and aunty jis doing chiggy wiggy a la followers of Chaitanya Mahaprabhu. That was gross!

That night, I was led on by a friend to a striptease club. The experience was amazing! The Lebanese stripper wiped away the ghastly memory of one rather rotund auntyji who almost had me with her eyes. The show was like a cool breeze that calmed my nerve. So, my friend, it is perfectly all right if such shows make you feel good.

Remember, Lord Krishna used to play truant all the time and was often found watching young women bathe in the river. That way, he had transformed his school into a masti ki paathshaala. So, the zaalim duniya cannot be judgemental about you because you have lordly tastes. Fikr not, my friend. Do let me know when you plan to go for a striptease show again. I might accompany you.

Ask your questions to wise bachelor wise.bachelor@friedeye.com

Q. I am about to get married to a guy, but before marrying him, I want to know more about him. But it is really difficult to arrange a date with him, as his mother doesn’t allow him to take his cellphone out. So, whenever I want to go out with him, I have to call up his mother and seek her permission. It is really killing our relationship even before its growth. Please help, WB. Pehenna chaahu suhaag ka joda par saasu maa pehnaye ghunghroo, Bangalore

Ans: My dear, your condition is exactly like Prajakta Deshmukh’s (later Virani) before she married Chirag Virani in Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi. Dakshaben Virani, Chirag’s mother, never liked her and always intercepted her phone calls to her lover. Ultimately, it was the sensible Tulsi Virani who hatched a brilliant plan to get the two of them married by guile. Dakshaben never approved of the action and disappeared from the picture for 40 long years, only to resurface as someone who looked younger than her daughter-in-law. From the above example, you can be sure that you are in a better place to decide things. If would-be mother-in-law ji is so protective about her son, she might want to remain in power forever and assign you only a minor role in the real-life drama that she will direct. And if you throw tantrums, she can be as blunt as Ektaa ji herself, by replacing your character with somebody else’s.
Try to know what kind of a man is your would-be hubby. If he is like Deven Verma in Khatta Meetha, who keeps on asking his mother, mummy o mummy, tu kab saas banegi, then he might not be the right guy for you. You should look for someone like Shammi Kapoor in Junglee, who vehemently opposes Lalita Pawar (his mother) when she asks him not to marry Saira Bano. But the decision is yours. After all, you might also want to team up with your saas and drive your hubby crazy, as in the old Britannia 50-50 shayad mummy-shayad biwi commercial where the hapless guy is traumatised by his nagging mom and pugnacious wife.

Q. WB, I am going around with a girl for five years, and I have been very committed to her. But recently, she told me that she has slept with someone while I was out of station. I am shattered. Please help. Betrayed in love, Guwahati

Ans: Bhai, I must say that you are lucky to find out the infidelity of your girl before making the final commitment. Imagine a conjugal life with her, when you would wonder from where she got that cologne smell on her saree. And just imagine what would happen if your kids look like and talk like your driver. If you don’t want a future like that, then take some tough decisions. You might want to go Kawas Nanavati’s way (by killing your girl’s paramour), or you might want to play Naseeruddin Shah in Ek Pal where he not only accepts his wife’s infidelity but also her illegitimate child. However, my advice to you in three words would be—BHAGA DO USKO!

Q. WB, I am a Hindu in love with a Muslim girl. We both want to marry each other, but fear that our families might thwart it. How do we tackle it? In good faith, New Delhi

Ans: When will the young generation learn to appreciate Mughal-e-Azam’s landmark song, Pyar Kiya To Darna Kya? Brother, you need to learn from Anarkali’s example that if you love someone, you should not fear anything. If Salim and Anarkali could stand up against an empire, both you and your love can stand up against your families. But make it sure that this is your last option. I would like to advise you to consult your respective families first. Try to show them reason that they could make an example of aapsi bhaichara by allowing you to marry each other. Mazhab nehi sikhaata, aapas mein bair rakhna (faith doesn’t teach us to bear ill-will among us)—Iqbal sahib wrote that a long time back. We reiterate this point every day when we sing Saare Jahan Se Accha. If you fail to convince your families, then law will help you. However, you both have to be sure if you would be happy without your families. Decide wisely, my friend.

If you also have questions to ask WB then please mail to wise.bachelor@friedeye.com

Q. Meri girlfriend mujhe maarti hai. I love her, but when she hits, she hits really hard. I don’t retaliate because I don’t hit women. Please help me tell her not to test my endurance power. Pitahuwa Premi, Shillong.

Ans: Dear Lord! Who is this woman? I have a friend who is in a relationship with an amorous woman. When they make love, she bites and scratches him like a wild cat. The next morning, my friend has to face a lot of embarrassment in office with all those visible red marks. But your condition is worse than his, for should you walk into your office with a swollen nose or a black eye, you would be a disgrace to ‘man’kind!

Come one, this is woman’s emancipation at its height! Pal, you need to realise that you are with an exceptionally talented woman. Who knows, she might be the next best thing Northeast has produced after boxer Mary Kom. But you need to help her channelise her energy; there’s no point being her punching bag. Buy her a pair of boxing gloves on her next birthday and someday you might feel proud to be the significant other of a champion pugilist.

And don’t even think about playing the role of Evander Hollyfield against this Mike Tyson of a woman, for Tyson had bitten off Hollyfield’s ear in a bout that went awry.

As for helping you, let me first figure out what makes her so aggressive. I think she is the lost Catwoman from Batman movies, who had disappeared, never to be seen again. And guess what? Even Michael Keaton’s career had a downswing after that and he vanished from the silver screen: a fact that made all of us bear with disappointing Batmen like Val Kilmer, George Clooney and Christian Bale. If you tell him that you have found Catwoman, maybe he will once again find his lost film career.

Or maybe she is the feminine alter ego of Jimmy Porter from Look Back in Anger. In that case, you have no other way but to play the passive Alison. But you could try playing the ‘bear and squirrel’ game to smoothen the relationship.

If nothing works, try what Amba had done in the Mahabharata, and maybe you will be born as Shikhandi in your next life. Then every time your girl would try to hit her husband, you could come in the way and frustrate her. Kyunki ek aurat doosre aurat ka hi dard samajh sakti hai, mardon ka nahin. Think about it and good luck!

Q. My friend has a weird problem. He likes a girl whom he met in my wedding. They look good together, seriously, but my friend is not sure if he wants to marry her. He is also an ‘eligible bachelor’ who is being pursued by an army of potential fathers/mothers-in-law. But he is not accepting any of the proposals and is instead running after impossible things. Till now, he has fallen for someone much older to him; another, a married lady with a child; and a confused teacher already in a relationship with someone else. They all seem to like him and he likes all of them, but seeing him living his life this way, I’m losing my patience. I think I don’t understand him anymore. Please help, WB. Nayi dulhan, pareshan saheli, dost mera ek paheli, New Delhi.

Ans: Bheegi hui cigarette kabhi jalegi nahin, aur yeh tay hai ki tere dost ki kismet kabhi sudhregi nahin. I think your friend is suffering from ‘mere andar Kanhaiyya’ syndrome. It is not exactly a disease but a state of mind that makes a man feel as if he is the Kalyug avatar of Lord Krishna and that he can attract an army of women, each better than the other. Men with this ‘problem’ find it difficult to commit in relationships; and those who are arranged-marriage material, they find it harder to focus on a single person, for there is this undying hope that a better woman would soon come by.
If you look at the life of Lord Krishna, you would find that his love affair with Radha, who was a married lady, is considered to be one of the purest forms of love. Rukmini, on the other hand, was betrothed to another man.

I would, therefore, say that there are no solutions as such to your friend’s ‘problems’. These are not problems at all; it’s just that in today’s complicated world, we have lost our sensitivity and cannot imagine love outside its clichéd definitions and boundaries. Your friend, I think, is a very sensitive man. Try to understand this rasiya and stop being a Yashoda maiyya to your buddy.

Q. WB, I have been trying to transfer my telephone connection from Jorhat to Guwahati, but the authorities are taking a long time to get it done. Every time I go to the telecom office, the clerk tells me that he is very busy and that my application is “in process”. What should I do now? Sarkari naukar se dukhi aam aadmi, Guwahati

Ans: Before getting a telephone connection, you should try to get connected with the realities of life. Getting a telephone connection is not as easy as singing telephone dhun mein hasne waali to your girlfriend. If you want your telephone to be transferred, you should also be willing to transfer some of your hard earned money to the clerk. I have met many people like you who want to get their work done fast, but are not willing to invest. It gets very frustrating for government servants at times. When will you people start thinking about them? They, sarkari naukars, are a generation of under-paid people, who also have over-expecting families to tend to. India is a welfare state, and we all should think about the welfare of one another. If you help them, they will help you. So, the next time you go to the telephone office, give the clerk a hundred-rupee note along with your artificial smile and your work will be done in minutes.

Ask you questions to Wise Bachelor: wise.bachelor@friedeye.com

Q. WB, I am a 14-year-old boy. The other day, I was playing hide and seek with my friends when I hid myself in a dark closet. There, I saw naphthalene balls lying, and their smell gave me an instant hard-on. Am I growing up normally? An almost normal teenager, Guwahati

Ans: My dear boy, I don’t know the hard physiological reasons for getting an instant hard-on from naphthalene smell. However, I do have some hard psychological guesses to analyse the hardness of your problem. Maybe you imagined the naphthalene balls to be over-grown breasts of a cockroach and instantly erotic thoughts came to your mind. After watching Disney-Pixar’s Ants series of films, I am more than convinced that the insect kingdom can also have Pamela Andersons and Carmen Electras. Or maybe you mistook the naphthalene scent to be that of some strong variety of Axe deo-spray, and instantly those titillating commercials came to your mind. Or maybe you were struck by the idea (with your recollections about the last Hindi porn film you watched at your friend’s place) that when Indians make out in movies, they do that in a dark environment, with their eyes closed. So you don’t really have to see what you are doing when you are doing it. For that, you need to have a strong sense of smell.

If you think, my boy, that your dilemma has anything to do with the reasons I analysed, then I think you have a strong career in advertising. At least, with such vivid imagination, you will come up with better ad ideas. You should give it a hard thought!

Q. WB, my husband threatens to commit suicide every time I get angry over him. I don’t know why he does that. What should I do? A pativrata naari, N Lakhimpur

Ans: See, there is no reason for you to be so happy about it. He will not commit suicide, and you can’t really get rid of him so easily. If he were serious, he would do it, without even telling you. Probably he wants you to pay extra attention to him. Husbands are not born, but made, most often by overwhelming circumstances. Some are a result of an awkward commitment given at a weak moment; some result from wry faces made by aggressive mothers (like yours truly). Try to talk to him in a loving manner whenever he throws tantrums. Also, try to control your temper. After all, he is your husband, not kid.

Q. WB, a bouncer at a disco barred me entry as I was dressed in dhoti-kurta. Why such discrimination? A humiliated Bharatiya purush, Guwahati

Ans: You have actually misunderstood the bouncer, who, I think, is a gentleman. He only showed respect to our almost non-existent national dress. You would have ended up being laughed at for your dress as people out there are too immature to understand its value. Mr. Bouncer also saved your dignity. There was every chance of your dhoti giving way inside the disc, making you a social embarrassment for everyone. And there would have been no Kishan-kanhaiyya to provide you the extra cloth to this male avatar of Draupadi. You should thank Mr. Bouncer for all that he did to you.

You ask, he will answer. Send in your questions to wise.bachelor@friedeye.com and wait for interesting answers. WB is on a mission to make this world a better place.

Q. WB, there is a girl I like, but she ignores me like anything. Initially, I got all the positive vibes from her, but now she avoids even the slightest eye contact with me. This is not the only time that it has happened. Several other girls I liked have ever since married different people. What should I do now? A confused bachelor, Jorhat.

A: Bhai, apna Adolf Hitler also loved a Jewish girl in his youth. But she didn’t give him any bhau. Hitler Sahib was so hurt that he started hating the Jews. Baaki to history hain. You could follow Hitler and forever stamp your name with ignominy. Or you could think about doing something saner. That angrez Kalidas, John Keats, had a broken love affair, too. He, however, chose to translate his grief into verse. La Belle Dame Sans Merci resulted from it, and Keats’ name came to be engraved with golden letters in the annals of literature. It is now up to you to decide which way you want to go. As for those girls marrying other people, well, they were also looking for good guys, the same way you were looking for good girls. Let them go, brother, and continue with your search.

Q. I am doing my master’s from a reputed university and have recently moved into a rented apartment. But I have a big problem: my landlord owns pigeons that fly into my part and make a mess of things. They have made my life hell. I have tried to take it up with my landlord, but every time his college-going daughter accuses me of being insensitive to the ‘beautiful’ birds. Help me, WB! Dude in distress, Guwahati.

A: I once had pigeon meat at a roadside dhaba in western Uttar Pradesh. Couple of hours later, I felt the urge to crap at every statue of Mayawati I passed by, like a pigeon. Now, coming to your question, I don’t understand why your landlord should keep such unruly creatures at his place. He should have known that you being a guy would anyhow leave his apartment messy; why send pigeons to do a job when he has a capable tenant? Tell him that it can be life threatening to have pigeons in the house. Mughal Emperor Babur’s father, Umar Sheikh Mirza, had fallen off the ramparts of his fort while trying to feed his pigeons. In Ruskin Bond’s A Flight of Pigeons, the male protagonist’s (Javed Khan) brother-in-law (Sarfaraz) blames the pigeons for the rebel army’s defeat in the Revolt of 1857. Pigeons had also created the biggest misunderstanding of my life so far. For a long time, I had believed that the red mark on Soviet premier Mikhail Gorbachev’s bald pate was left behind by a pigeon devoid of any toilet manners. But going by your question, it seems your landlord’s ‘activist’ daughter is a greater nuisance than the pigeons. After all, who wants to be neighbours with a bad imitation of Maneka Gandhi? Is she secretly corresponding with her lover through the pigeons a la Rajkumari Chandrakanta and Kunwar Virendra Vikram Singh? If it is so then perhaps you could play the role of Kroor Singh and have the birds for dinner one by one. If, however, you think you cannot try these two options, you could yourself become a pigeon and fly out of this apartment and find a new nest.

Q. WB, my eight year old son keeps on asking embarrassing questions whenever he sees intimate scenes on TV. No cajoling or scolding has helped. It becomes very embarrassing when there are guests around. Please help. An embarrassed parent, Tezpur.

Ans: Bhai, the Age of Innocence vanished a long time back, when songs like choli ke peeche kya hain kicked out a generation of Adams and Eves from the Garden of Eden, into a big bad world of Mamta Kulkarnis and Mira Nairs. In our times, a bunch of flowers with bumble-bees hovering over them, used to make things understood. Today, the media has ruined things so much that a simple nursery rhyme sounds obscene when they say “Jack and Jill went up the hill…”

The best way to tackle your child’s questions is to sing a song every time he/she opens his/her mouth in public. Or tell him/her about the birds and the bees early on. After all, your child is no TV channel playing matured content that you can shuffle when you have company.

You ask, he will answer. Send in your questions to wise.bachelor@friedeye.com and wait for interesting answers. WB is on a mission to make this world a better place.