Picture Courtesy-Petr Kratochvil

“I am a relationship dropout. A divorcee,” she had said with a smile, a sort of sad smile. I wanted to giggle at her witticism but held out my tongue  just in time as I was unsure if it would be appropriate or not. What followed was a bizarre half smile half grimace. A diplomatic expression.

What it is about divorce, that people curl and coil back and shrink with disgust at its slightest mention? Why the scorn? The accusing stares? And the ‘hmms’ and ‘hawwws’?

Is it because deep in our minds we do take it as a relationship dropout thing and look down upon it as we would at a school dropout? Is divorce a kind of failure? No doubt it is taken as a last step or resort to a failed marriage, but why do we take it as a personal failure.

Marriage isn’t a performance nor is it a game. Many feel it to be an investment or an institution as they say, but I feel it to be a sort of unwritten or maybe written agreement between two individuals to lead their lives together as an unit, if you go by technical terms.

If you like the more flowery emotional language then it is an union of two beings, two soul,s committed to stay together till eternity as they imagine it.

But sometimes, agreements have to be terminated, commitments have to be abandoned if the relationship isn’t working out even for either or both of the parties. It happens in business. We don’t frown upon it, but when it comes to marriage or relationship, we become scared- of everything in sight and off sight. Future, kids, society, emotions , loneliness, change -every possible excuses are made to delay the break. The result is that we endure more of it, that which could have been comfortably avoided.

  Sometimes there are legitimate grounds, sometimes the grounds are purely abstract, but it is evident that things are not working out whatever be the reason. You feel restless, trapped, frustrated, claustrophobic in it. What do we do when we feel breathless and claustrophobic ? We move out, isn’t it? We step out in the open air. So should the case be in relationships. But it is seen that we drag on out of hope for a respite or because we have been told to do so. We try to rekindle dead romances and relationships. Can the dead come alive? You will say marriage like any other joint venture in the world needs efforts , sacrifice, understanding to be successful. Of course it does. But there is a big difference between ‘successful’ and ‘compromise’. Marriage like any other joint venture also needs to be abandoned if it is showing loss- Loss of peace of mind, loss of happiness, loss of life and a hopeless sense of loss in totality

Divorce isn’t a punishment, nor is it a revenge. I wouldn’t call it a solution either. Its just a phase one should slip into amicably if deep in your heart you have the feeling that you can’t linger on anymore and that you need to move on.

Of course the future is uncertain. True it is, that a known enemy is better than an unknown friend, but marriage and your life isn’t about friends and foe, its all about moving on to someplace else, if the ground you are on is shaky. Life is a journey, a rather short journey, so move on and live it.

As a special effort , we have roped in Miss Cellany to answer your queries on relationship or other related matters. Is she experienced? Is she knowledgeable?  Well a twenty something female can be hardly called experienced, but call it irony , though she is visually  impaired, she has both the fore sight and hind sight to see through matters of the heart and mind.

We have three questions from our readers …and now let’s see what Miss C has to say about them

Q-I am an above average Engineering student (a girl), with below average fashion sense. Fashion and I gel like oil with water. My friends say I need to improve on that department , while I feel that, that is a complete waste of time and money. What do you say?

-D

Miss C replies- dear D. Do you like flowers? Which colour adorns the walls of your room? I am sure the cushions and curtains of your house must have been chosen with care? Do you love books? I am sure you keep them neat and covered?  Now tell me do you think they were a waste of time and money. The strength and character of a house isn’t determined by the color of its walls or the garden outside, I know, but still we do like adorning it, beautifying it. Why?  Because it is pleasing to the eye. So, I hope you get my point.

Q- I am a twenty three year old girl, who is in a relationship with a boy. He says he loves me very much. I don’t doubt that. What bothers me is that I don’t feel for him with the same intensity that he does for me. Which I believe is like deceiving him. And so sometimes I feel that I should back out of the relationship. What should I do?

-Rosy

Dear Rosy. How do you measure intensity? By actions? Words? What is making you uncomfortable? His passion and dedication ? Or is it lack of yours? Who are you deceiving? Him or yourself? Do you at all feel for him? There are never any doubts when you really love someone. I would have perfectly understood if you had asked me how to tell him to tone down his affections for it embarrasses you. But here I don’t exactly get why are you asking me what you should do as I know you have already made up your mind to end the relationship. Is it because you wanted a confirmation?

Q-Dear Miss C, how do I propose a girl who is nine years younger to me?- BN

Dear BN there are hundreds of reactions that you might get when you propose a girl. There are dozens of replies she might give , but there is only one way to propose a girl and that is by Letting her know. If you meant how to let her know , then statistically- you may tell it yourself, send a message through a messenger, sms her, mail her, send her a telegram and etc etc. But something tells me the matter isn’t that simple. Did you by chance mean – How to propose a girl nine years younger to me so that she says yes? Frankly speaking if I could answer that I would have been sitting in RAW and solving world issues. I could have said laugh with her, share her interests, impress her and blah blah blah, but I am sure you already knew that. When you love a girl and want her to know, just close your eyes take a deep breath and go completely by your instincts. Miss C can only pray for you. And yes hope for the best but be prepared for a NO. If it is a No , take a deep breath again, look into her eyes, control the anger and just try to remember how much you love her.

If you have more questions for Miss C, then please send them in to editor@friedeye.com with the subject Miss C and it will be featured in our next issues. You do not need to reveal your real identity.

A few days back while watching ; *correction* while attempting to watch the audition of a reality based TV show, I was amused to hear some views about Legalisation of Prostitution in India. No No , there was nothing new in what was being said. The girl who was aptly alluded as Rani of Jhansi by one of the moderators had gone fully ballistic against the legalisation attributing it to being immora,l illegal and against our Indian culture. Sigh! Not a surprise coming from a semi fire brand like her , but what surprised me with a tinge of disappointment was that the so called ‘modern thinkers like the moderators too agreed with her. ‘Indian cultur’e-magic words aren’t they? We do have a tendency to go overboard when we hear the two words, swearing to protect and retain it at the cost of overlooking certain practical issues.

As you might have realised by now , I am pro legalisation of prostitution but not without my reasons and heaven knows I am willing to put forth my points for anyone who is willing to listen to me.

A profession as old as prostitution , one of the oldest in the history of our civilisation, being considered illegal in the name of Indian culture is a bit of an irony. Please do not think that I am promoting it. By all means ban it, but ban it completely. Let every citizen of the country ban it . Impose a total ban, but if you cannot ensure that, then legalise it to minimise the harm. How? I will come to that later and yes, I ain’t evading it . I am ready with my arsenal. It’s just that first I want to know why exactly do you fear to legalise it? What is it that you fear?

If you are a woman, then is it the fear that some of them men will visit it fearlessly? Of course they will, undoubtedly but haven’t they been visiting them in the sly till now? What difference does it make? Once an unfaithful man, always an unfaithful! If the men in your life hadn’t even given a glance at them till now, it is not because they feared prosecution (in today’s world, that is a laugh- I mean someone fearing a prosecution. No body really does) It was so because they loved you and cared for you . Changing the legal status will not change how they feel about you.

Or is it the fear that you have to share your social space with someone who might want to flaunt that she is one of the best escorts available? Do you think that someone would actually like to flaunt it? What are you imagining? Scholarships for bedside manners? National institute of passion and desire? Then I must really salute your extent of imagination. We are still stuck at legalisation , while you have flown ahead in to recognition. One doesn’t need a sixth sense to realise that prostitution is undesirable and demeaning to the dignity of a woman , if I have to use a neutral statement that is. By legalising we are not trying to enhance it, rather we will be just be giving her those benefits that allows her to live in dignity and with some minimum rights rather than being treated like an animal; just here what I have in my mind as an animal is the bull who is taken to an fro for servicing the cows.

If you are a man, you might be apprehensive that it might entice the women in your life for its lucrativeness (if there is such a word) and easy money? Forgive me for being crass , but do you really believe that it might seem lucrative and enjoyable? I am a female and I can tell you that the idea or thought of going to bed, day and night with some random lecherous strangers is revolting to say the least and it must be some really compelling reason that leads a girl to this. Even the behaviour of chasing the easy money in such a manner must be having a deep rooted psycho social reason, if you would like to point things in that perspective . If you want to counteract my argument with the word nymphomania, then my reply- nymphomaniacs will never do it for money. That’s basically a disease. Period.

So we need to rectify the circumstances that leads to the trap of easy money and glamour. For that you have to change the entire system , which I presume will take many years and no, legalisation will not worsen the situation, rather will bring a sort of transparency in the dealings. Now this is where I come to my ‘hows’. How it will benefit them?

No cops demanding bribes.

No pimps to exploit them.

HIV positive rates declines if you lay down some rules

They will come under the blanket cover of state responsibility and live without fear and with some iota of dignity. They can claim medical AID, and maybe with better legislation , a day may come when they might be able to say NO , when they feel like saying NO. But all these will happen only when they are legally accepted. I am not even considering the social aspect because I admit . for such a major social upheaval, one needs time, plenty of time, but legally, as a fellow human being, we do owe it to them to let them exist in dignity.

When endless reminders started pouring in reminding me about my commitment to write something for Fried Eye, I shook off the cobwebs of my mind and replied back meekly to the editor as “ok ,but what do I write about?”  The reply came back in two words-Perfect Date. Well that acted as a kind of a catalyst and all the wheels, nut and bolts of my brains started up as if on cue trying to make up for those months of absence. Now FE has started this category called How To series and in a sudden brainstorm, I decided to write on How To Plan for The Perfect Date. The FE people were ok with it and I decided to go ahead with full vigor because though I am hopeless in many other matters, this is one thing I am highly qualified and experienced in. (or else how do I still explain my Miss and not Mrs status) Oh yes , this is something I totally agree with the Wise Bachelor my nemesis, as you really can’t argue with some universal truths and one of them is -Marriage Kills The Romance up to some extent. But why am I rambling? I know you all are getting impatient to get started. So then, I will try to keep the pointers as unisexual as possible but at places which need elaboration I will separate out the genders

Alright, if you are still with me up to this point and plan to continue reading then you are halfway done because as they say it’s the thought that counts. No matter how your date ends up as, one thing is sure that you can rest assured that your intentions were sincere and you tried your best.

Now that you have made up your mind to make the day/evening special (my recommendation is evening; it opens a whole lot of possibilities) for your loved one, lets get on to the technicalities and the first thing you have to decide on is Venue.

 Venue

Ideally a beach, seashore or the mountainside is the best for a lovey dovey romantic evenings, but if those are way beyond your means both financially and geographically lets explore other possibilities

One is a long drive with a picnic basket. The car or the bike offers you boundless freedom of choice and also the coveted privacy and intimacy. You can just drive on aimlessly through the highway with the music in the back ground, wind on your face, holding hands wishing if only you could go on and on and on… A little bit of rain will enhance the atmosphere further more. You can listen to your love speaking endlessly about little things which might seem like music to your ears or as an alternative, let the silence speak those words which you wanted to. Your glance and smile will tell him/her everything you wanted to.

If car or bike too is beyond your reach (which is quite understandable with the rising petrol prices ) you can go for the terrace of your building if it is a high rise and if the other occupants don’t raise too many awkward questions. Remember Imran Hashmi and Mallika Sherawat in Murder and again Imran Hashmi and Kangna in Gangster? The heights provide you with a sense of being on cloud nine and the top of the world feeling add to it the breeze , gives a  sense of exhilarating freedom.

As I said earlier terrace can be a difficult option with nosey neighbors and in such case the best option would be to entertain him/her at your place or at your friend’s bachelor pad if your own place isn’t possible. (but for that either you have to have a very loyal friend or an opportunistic one to extract a fee but  I am sure either ways you can manage it)

Then of course there are the regular options like the discotheque, movie hall, water park if you have no issues of sharing your private moments with hundred other people but of course regular is not special. And if it aint special then it isn’t perfect.

Now that you have fixed the venue next would be the ambience.

Ambience

If you were so resourceful as to manage the beach or mountainside then I am sure everything is possible for you.  Come on, go ahead, set a table, bring out the aromatic candles, the mattress , flowers, spread some satin sheets, put some cushions (no balloons please) bring out the crystal glasses, the crockery everything or at least similar to them , set them beautifully. Visual stimulation is as necessary as your sincere intentions to make everything perfect. This can be possible even at the terrace or your own place or the bachelor’s pad. You don’t even need bulky furniture either. If there are no proper dining tables then you can always go for one low table or a mat near your mattress arrangement and dine in sheer luxury like an Arab Sheikh. Just keep in mind that candles sometimes attract insects and can be a problem if you are in the open air. At such cases just set the candles or lighting a bit far off in the back ground.

Second thing that you have to keep in mind is the color of your spreads and sheets. I mean sometimes girls do tend to go over board with pink and guys with their fixation for white and blue. Why don’t you go for bold ones like Red or in bold black and white prints? It gives an impression of power and passion. Romance is fine but intensity? We can’t ignore the need for intensity, can we? As for flowers you can go for a single rose in a sleek vase or a bouquet of roses; no other options work better.

As for those who are in their cars, you don’t actually need an ambience. Nature does that for you. Just ensure some great music to go along with it.

But be careful of one thing- There shouldn’t be any stench in the atmosphere- no lingering cigarette smoke, no smell of unwashed sweaty clothes. The room or the air must be clean and dry .

That brings to music.

Music

Music is an integral part of romance as can be seen by Bollywood numbers and even other wise. The combination of verses along with soulful melody can turn the hardest of heart into mush. Hence be very careful if you want to impress your love. It can make your date or break it either if one wrong step is taken. Music is also a great subject for bonding. Unless and until you both are literally soul mates you can’t be callous in your selections. It’s safe to play his/ her choices if you know it, but the best option and one that also forwards your purpose of the whole thing is to go for some soft numbers which have words that you would like to say to him/her and convey your feelings. (But again as I said don’t overdo the mush and no cheap music). Like there was this date of mine, who put on the song, “You are always a woman to me” by Billy Joel the moment I entered into the date area, looking deep into my eyes. Till date I haven’t been able to forget him.

To play safe you can go for the golden oldies- Sinatra, even Sir Elton John or even Rafi, Kishore, Lata and Talat Mehmood. You can go for ghazals or if you want to play too-too safe then you can go for instrumentals.  But the usb/cd compilation should be ready on play mode without you trying to grope for the right CD among your piles of collections. Same goes for the music in the car. There are some great Car- romantic numbers from Bollywood like Tum Jo mil gaye ho from Hanste Zakhm still gives me the shivers. Or the cute one by Kishore Kumar- churi yeh nahin ye mera , from the DevAnand starrer Gambler. However if you want a vibrant fun evening, after a couple of soft ones, you can proceed on to the popular numbers and dance and laugh away the evening in each others company. Romance isn’t always about mush. Laughing and enjoying like a kid in each others company is also another variant of romance.

Fun! yes fun brings me to the the next technicality – activity.

Activity

Some of you maybe comfortable with whispering sweet nothings to your loved ones or sharing your innermost heartfelt secrets and feelings, talking the night away beneath the starry sky but what about the others who are shy or not much into talking? Well you can enjoy a flick together. Action movies, chick flick, high voltage emotional dramas are to be avoided unless and until you both have the same tastes. However for the bold ones I would like to suggest that horror movies (not much scary ones) are fine to get you both cosy together. You can go for rom coms but mind you not much mush again. Ask your friends for opinion or there is IMDB  the God of the movie databases. My favorite till date  are Jo Jeeta Wohi Sikander, Roman holiday and Ghost.

But again if movie is too constraining and you would like some fun outdoors instead, then yes, you can go for a drive after dinner, or a walk together .If you can strum a guitar how about belting out some tunes for him/her or crooning some numbers in a karaoke or even just like that?  Games? Well diplomatically unsafe. Strict no-no are facebooking or net surfing. Don’t even think of it when you are with her/him.  If salsa or jazz is your thing or even anything that is close to them, you can lead him/her for a dance together. Trust me, after that you won’t be remembering any other activity.

Now let’s proceed on to food which is an integral part of any date, be it a business luncheon or a cocktail party or The Perfect Date.

Food

If you can cook even little bit decently, then just prepare a simple meal for him/ her. Your love will be impressed unless you have burnt it of course. Cuts a lot of extra charges and even I for that matter, any day would love to cook a grand meal for my man.. Other wise you can order a take away or there is the savior called Pizza and Pasta or even Chinese. If you are non vegetarian, then go for boneless variety. I mean chewing and tearing at a bone gives a very disgusting picture. Try hard for the food to be non messy. You wouldn’t like it if your food makes you or your date messy and unsavory later on. Will you? Nor would you like it if you end up all bloated up with a heavy meal or even scowl throughout in starvation. So the amount should be just right and perfect.

Food, music, ambience and venue have been cleared up I guess, but we have not yet dealt with the most important one. A gift! Of course the date itself is a gift but still a memento is the best way to keep it registered as a memory. If sky is the limit for you then I guess you wouldn’t be needing any advice from me, but for the less fortunate ones, I would suggest roses, perfumes (not deodorants) Swiss chocolates, sterling silver pendants, a dress ( not that pricey on your pocket) lingerie- if you are in that level with her (to the guys). For the girls- safest would be Perfumes, CDs . Gadgets and if a book lover, than books.

Well that almost takes care of everything. Wait! There is another thing- Your attire. Well wear which compliments you the best and something that is comfortable. As for me I would love to wear a flowy long skirt with an off shoulder fitted top and what would I like him to wear? Loose six pocket trousers with a boat necked loose full sleeved tee shirt, but again this is your date, not mine.

So I hope I could help you plan your date to an extent. You can add your own original signature style to the plans to make your perfect, unique date. Again these ideas are not hard or fast rules on dating. It’s his/ her happiness that should matter in the choices. If your date would love to be in a rock concert or a stadium watching cricket, then make his/her day. Grant it to him/her. At the end of the day when you will see his/her smile contentedly, it will make all the troubles that you had undergone, worth everything. In the end I would like to just tell you one last thing. Ahem! Irrespective of everything,. practice safe sex and secondly respect each other’s private space and learn to hear a no. Got it? Okk Then. Have a nice time and my best very best wishes. Until next time., Hasta La vista !

The other day, I happened to over hear a conversation in my office about relationships , soul mates and perfect partners. Though I just remained a mute spectator or rather a mute observer, I still could not help wonder later, who among the choices I had ,would qualify to be my perfect mate ? (platonic or otherwise) or what are the expectations and qualities that I would desire in my soul mate if I put aside the, social standing, future security and money matters associated with it and concentrate only on the emotional quotient. Continue Reading

Dear Diary,

Ah, well! The summer’s already started to make its way over this side of the earth. I am done with the never ending numbers of warm clothing, blankets and shawls. I can happily fold them up and stash them somewhere down in the cupboard and fish out my summer wear instead. However, along with the onset of the summer, the frequent, irritating power cut-outs have started as well. Only a little while ago, after coming back from a tiring day at work, I had just only settled myself in front of the television to watch an action-packed cricket match. I had caught just a little glimpse of the hunk Yuvraj Singh and was about to let out a cheer when “Poof” went the lights!!! And I had no choice but to drag myself to the kitchen, light a candle and get settled at my study desk instead with a mug of coffee.
Continue Reading

Dear Diary,
I have not been keeping very well these days. I wouldn’t say I had a very bad “1st week of the new year” but then, it was no different from any other week for me, other than the fact that I got to attend a “New- Year-party-cum-birthday-party” on the very first day of the year. It was the first week of my new job, in the new office, with new friends (colleagues, actually) and the same old environment, surrounded by people whom I don’t know, but will have to get along with to survive. It was nice to get invited to the Continue Reading

Dear Diary,

It has been a long time. Really! What a year it has been. I can’t believe it’s finally over. It has been a long year; and a tough one too. But I am not complaining. I am happy that I faced it all with a smile on my face. Well, that’s life, isn’t it? Amidst the cries of agony, despair and gloom, underneath the same blue sky, we all find a reason to smile. No matter how dark it is, there is always a light inside our heart. And the key is to never let that light die. Continue Reading

Dear Diary,

Don’t know about marraiges, but friends are made in heaven. And therefore, God sent. Scribbled down on a peace of parchment (that elaborately lists out all the intricate happenings of our life) are their names under the heading of trouble, fun, glory and pain.

Sticking religiously to the theme of the sitcom F.R.I.E.N.D.S, my friends have always been there for me. Always. Even if it meant them waking up all night to finish my work while i lazily wake up and snatch the brilliant report and leave in a hurry, or inform me that my birthday is close, make a list of things i need to shop for, or me assuming them as the closest ATM.

So we chose a day to celebrate the spectacularity of this relationship called friendship. To weigh the magnanimity of the emotions this relationship holds. To give justice to the one thing that made us all bond. We chose the Halloween’s day. And quite different it was from the other days, for obvious reasons.

You see, exactly at 12:48, after each one was awoken – who kept falling back on the bed again because they’d rather wake up when everyone else does – i got a call. And was being sung in an uncharecteristically synchronous din, “Happy Halloween’s Day to you…, and would be friends even when we are ghosts, me and you….”

How would I be without my friends… I cannot even dream it.

I love you guys. MUAHHHHH….

Signing off.
Me.